Hello everyone and especially to my Instagram followers! Today we are going to be taking a look at your own cars that have been sent to me on Instagram! Prepare to be informed, entertained and maybe a tad offended as we judge these cars based on their performance, specification, cool factor, and most importantly their cuteness.
First up is Chris’ Range Rover LSE Auto. Performance-wise, it’s a 27-year-old Range Rover. However, you’d be surprised by the pickup of its 197hp 4.3 litre V8 which very nearly embarrassed my MX5 on one summer’s night. A solid 3.5/10. The specification of this car is simply gorgeous as dark green is always a perfect partner for any British classic.
Its colour-matched wheels, luxurious lounge chair-filled interior and well looked after exterior give this LSE a score of 9/10 in the spec department. As for the cool factor, just look at it. Chris is younger than me and drives a borderline cruise liner for the road that he has restored by himself over a number of years. You can’t deny how effortlessly cool that is. I’m giving it a 9/10 again, it’d get a 10/10 but breakdowns aren’t all so cool and they’re just a part of Range Rover ownership. Whilst it’s a rather beastly looking thing, old Range Rovers are quite endearing and it gains a cute rating of 5/10. That brings the total score of the LSE to: 26.5/10
Next is Syzmon’s Ford Focus Zetec S. It’s a turbodiesel so it’s got plenty of torque but with 107hp and a weight of 1400kg, this isn’t the fastest car in the world. We’ll give it a 3/10 in terms of performance. The spec is about as perfect as you can get on a focus from this era as the Zetec S trim gives it Focus ST vibes. It gets a 6/10. Cool factor is always going to be debatable, but as great as it’s 54mpg on the motorway is, the Focus isn’t going to be turning any heads and gains a low score of 4/10. I also don’t feel like the Focus would be considered as cute by many, I feel that’s the Ka’s job. It gets 3/10 as if you squint it looks a little happy. The Focus’ total is: 16/40
Then we’ve got Peter’s Toyota Crown, a true VIP build and most certainly the most heavily modded car from this list. It’s got a 4.3 litre V8, which is the same capacity as the LSE earlier, except it makes 280hp from standard which gives it a performance edge. It’s certainly not a supercar but enough to get out of its own way and the Crown gets 6/10 for performance.
In terms of the specification, it really is hard to believe that this car is nearly 18 years old. Peter’s done some authentic JDM modifications to make this Crown look straight out of Yokohama. The polished finish on the Fledermaus wheels contrasts so perfectly with its deep blue paintwork and those rear LED tail-lights are to die for. As for the interior, the Majesta does not disappoint with its plush Japanese leather and assortment of VIP easter eggs. You can look around this car for an hour and still find new quirks and features. The Crown gets a 9.5/10 for its spec and 10/10 for cool factor, only losing out as some won’t appreciate its slammed stance. However, the Crown isn’t especially cute, that is unless you find Yakuza members cute, and so it only gets a 1/10. That’s a total of: 26.5/40
Now it’s time for a showstopper affectionately named ‘The Fridge’. This is a VW Up (exclamation mark) that has been tastefully modded by Ben as a fantastic little daily. The almighty 999cc engine produces 59hp stock, but with Ben’s light mods might even produce 65hp and brings this car onto an eye-ball ripping top speed of 99mph. It gets a magnanimous 2/10 for performance. The spec on this is almost perfect for an Up!. It’s been lowered, set on some new rims and has got an amusing assortment of sticker bombing on the windows. I give its spec 8/10. The cool factor on this is also high at 7/10 because who doesn’t love the fridge? Finally, cuteness is 10/10 for the Fridge. You just want to give it a hug. This brings its total to: 27/40
The next two cars are both owned by Simon. First is his Toyota Celica T Sport VVTlI. It’s been lightly but tastefully modified and if I’m not mistaken these come with a very similar engine to the Lotus Elise. That means it’s got a healthy 189hp and it gets a 6/10 for performance due to its low weight. The Celica’s spec is restrained and tasteful. It has some light chassis stiffening mods, upgraded wheels and of course some Eurobeat stickers for an extra 10hp. I give it a 7/10 for spec. The cool factor of this Celica may not be as high as the older variants but it’s still a cool car to drive around in and gets a 7/10 again. Its aggressive front lights don’t make it especially cute but I’ll give it a 3/10 for effort for a total of: 23/40
Simon’s other car is a gorgeous Alfa Romeo 159 Ti Jtdm. It’s a diesel so that might make it lose some driving engagement but it does pack 206hp and go on to a top speed of 144mph so we’ll give it 5.5/10 in the performance department. The spec is essentially perfect and straight out of Casino Royale which gives the car an easy 8/10 for spec. The cool factor with the Casino Royale vibes and the fact that it’s an Alfa would be exceptionally high if it weren’t a diesel and so it gets 7/10. Not cute though so its cute-ness rating is 2.5/10. That’s a total of: 23/40
The time has come to look at a legend from the VW group. Eoghan’s Volkswagen Polo S made 54hp when it left the factory but is now producing an ungodly 70hp which takes the car on to a current speed of 70mph. This car gets a 1/10 performance rating but do not worry. What it lacks in performance, it makes up with its character. The spec on this is getting close to perfect with its modified rims and baby blue paint. It gets 7/10 and would get 8 if it were a tad lower. Polos generally aren’t especially cool but the mods and spec on this one take its cool rating to 6.5/10. Finally, the Polo is a very cute thing and get 9/10. That’s a total of: 23.5/40
The penultimate car is another classic Range Rover but this time one that the owner Jason assures me actually works. It’s a Vogue SE this time and performance-wise it makes 185hp, less than Chris’, but then again I trust the accuracy of this power output more and so its performance rating is 3.5/10. I actually prefer the spec of Chris’ car but the mean black look isn’t far off and it gets an 8/10. Finally, cool factor is very high and the fact that it actually runs does take the Vogue up to an outstanding 10/10 cool factor rating. Next is cuteness and the sinister exterior of this one has taken away some of that cute old Range Rover charm which takes the cute rating down to 4/10. The total for this Range is: 25.5/40
Last, but definitely not least, is Scott’s Mercedes S350D Long wheelbase AMG Line. Whilst it mightn’t look incredibly fast, the electronically limited top speed of 155mph makes this the fastest car on the list and its 3.0 litre diesel powerplant brings this car to 60 in 6.5 seconds which is the fastest acceleration of all the cars on this list. The S-Class, therefore, gets a 6.5/10 for its performance. The spec on this is completely perfect in my eyes. The murdered-out look always looks spectacular on a land yacht like the S-Class and its new wheels fit its design perfectly. It gets 8.5/10. You’ll get 12/10 when you get that S63 Scott! The coolness of a blacked-out armchair on wheels is yet again undeniable and I’m going to give it 9/10 (since it’s still diesel). Cute? No. Poor S-Class gets a cuteness rating of 1/10. This takes the total of our final car up to: 25/40
The scores were very close but the top three consists of Jason’s Vogue in number three and a tie between Chris and Peter with their Range Rover and Toyota Crown at 26.5/40 for second place. Finally in number one, the almighty Fridge reigns supreme and Ben’s Up! takes the cake in the 2021 annual AutoAnorak blog car roasting/politely reviewing contest. It’s a prestigious award that I’m sure you and your family will cherish for many years. You do not get any physical prizes as fuel is expensive and I am broke.
Thank you!
(I know that some cars were missed out but I intend on creating another blog like this in the future with them if you all enjoy it)
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